I want to elaborate on the girl in the drama play I am in. Her name is Leah and she is trapped in this horrible situation after the death of her friend Adam. she’s in love with this boy which is kinda her best friend but he ignores her often. Idk will sound better once it’s written just an idea.

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Just knowing that I could have saved someone, that I could have changed everything or even just knowing I could have delayed the inevitable is why I have to leave. The fear of ruining the fun ruined me. It wasn’t all me and it will never be just my fault but that rock left my hand. 

The grill. 

The grill swallowed Adam.

 The grill filled its black space with an undeserving soul.

 Bars lay damp over the empty space in unison.

His name is Rory. The only boy who would sit with me on the bus back when I refused to leave the house without my red gumboots. I used to tell him everything but no replies were too hard so it’s mostly silence and he prefers it that way. Every movement pushes his dusty hair towards his eyes; his ocean-deep eyes.

Eating alone is a different kind of isolation. No force put you there, you are there due to your unlikeable personality. alone pushed us together, so I secure myself to Rory. Every day a new note in the third pocket of his bag to remind him.

Rory knew. How could he not know that I needed him? My dad often says I have   ‘A bad case of word vomiting so it’s not a surprise people forget to listen’ . I believed he was trying to help but now i think he was simply trying to excuse himself from hearing about every minute of my day.

Last summer, down by the river was when I told him. He knew because I mumbled

 “Rory, I think…. I love you”

a small smile formed for a few seconds then nothing. The river offered noise while the silent hours escaped and then so did Rory. 

It has been several days since we took it to far. Adam has been my go to friend at every awkward barbeque or christmas party while our parents cleared the liquor cupboard. Adam was my opposite, being tall and wide suited him. 5,2ft ,blonde and petite pushed me into the social corner. The hockey team was Adam’s place in our school where mine was with Rory in the back of the library. Unknown. 

Every phone vibration ripples through my bones. No one was coping and I could feel it with every panicked text questioning the plan. 10 guilty and 1 dead. It was just supposed to be a few drinks at Adam’s place with his closest friends. The most unexpected combination of people now bound by a crime. Empty bottles fell upon the grass prompting the idea to ‘borrow’ his dad’s vodka. I had a swig but it tasted like pure vivid so I passed it on to Mark, it was all wrong. Dancing, yelling then chanting,

“ Walk the grill, Walk the grill” 

Step after step, the flimsy metal rods were the only lifeline Adam had once the rocks started flying. I didn’t know who was throwing them until one was in my hand. Cold, wet rock. Rory laughing harder than I have ever seen, a memory is what i got from the night. A funny memory until it went to far. I knew it was my rock that hit his temple, my rock that threw his balance moments before reaching the finish line. The concrete finished him.

I haven’t woken up this undecided since maybe ever. Rory left a note on my locker at lunch yesterday, 

‘ the river, 11.30pm’ 

Nothing else just that but it was enough to get me out of bed 15 minutes before my alarm. I feel different now. The innocence I once owned now stripped away the minute I obeyed. Rory knew the plan and the plan was we needed DNA. Fibres and cells and just about anything else on Adam’s army green jumper to pass the blame. 

Passing the blame. That’s what we did. My crime quickly became an innocent yet overweight council workers nightmare but somehow I had avoided the coverup. Cathy and Danny got the DNA, Lou stole the jumper, Richard took Bella to the station with new ‘evidence’ and I waited. I needed an answer, Am I a criminal? Do I still have a future? Is this my life now?.

The summer in the city. The email came, I am a finalist for the internship at the Astronomy conservation centre. 11.34pm and I am walking with a tall, broad stranger.  11.41pm and his hand is touching mine, The water runs past my sneakers reminding me. Minutes passing while i stare into his eyes and whisper, “Rory, I can’t stay here”

He tugs at the pink thread on his wrist until the tear dissolves into his skin.

A white piece of paper made its way to my palm in silence. The only thing I ever wanted to hear, “ I need you Abby” in small letters. It’s too late now, I need to forget.